by Ron Arbuckle
Heat advisory on the books
The municipal pool is, until further notice, shut down
With water boiling beneath chlorine clouds
Kids with a BMI over 32 cook like lobsters
Picked apart by pale skinny fiends
Unrolling flesh like Fruit by the Foot
To the dismay of mothers and aunts
We have shot Augustus Gloop up the tube
Fathers look on with nods of approval
A most unsavory soup rectified
For our collective redemption
Satan will promptly greet most auspiciously
Our ancestors down below
Reaching up from pool floor drains
Freddy Krueger claws outstretched
He licks his lips salaciously drawling
Motivational manosphere cliches unceasingly
We ask that all city residents remain inside
Lock your doors and plug in your N64s
Rations of Tuna Helper will be delivered
By trash truckers dressed in reflective yellow
Hawaiian Punch airdropped by chinook
Pink-slips launched in bundles by trebuchet
Compliance is mandatory but appreciated
We owe a debt of gratitude for your
Tainted donations of blood
To feed the sewer succubi still slurping
The empty shells of nuclear waste-grown turtles
Do not forget to text in your votes to determine
By you the bloodthirsty viewers democratically
The winner of this season’s unreality show
Starring blinded halfwit lesser-deities
Falling heels over head in lustful hate
Between hubris-determined penalties
Eyes plucked out on their island paradise nightly
Only to grow back once again
With algorithmic precision united in debauchery
We thank you for your unwillful cooperation
Signed and sealed, in all necessary decorum,
The Honorable Mayor Seacrest
Ron Arbuckle (April 12, 1947 – October 1, 2028) was an American author famous for creating the “techno-thriller” genre. A former insurance broker with a passion for naval history, he shot to fame with his 1984 debut, The Hunt for Red October, after President Ronald Reagan praised it. You can find him on X: @touchgrass_ron