by Axel Görnebrand
I went on my first date when I was fourteen. I showed up with ten condoms stuffed into my back pocket and a pair of freshly shaved balls.
I had never kissed a girl before in my life.
Zeinab had been my classmate since the second grade. I liked her from the start. I think most of the guys did. But then puberty hit her like a train one summer and she came back to school with a pair of breasts that belonged to a full-grown woman and it was almost too much to bear.
For some reason, she seemed to like me. That was my impression at least, and my friends kept egging me on to do something about it. So I asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime after school. She said yes. I was happy until I realized I had no clue what we were going to do.
“It’s simple,” my friend Dennis said. “Girls are just as horny as guys. They just hide it better. That’s what you have to keep in the back of your head.”
“You think she expects me to try to fuck her?”
“A hundred percent. I’m not saying you will, but you still have to try.”
“What if I don’t?”
“She’ll just move on to another guy who will. Also, how are you looking down there? Are you shaved?”
“No.”
“You have to shave your balls at least. There’s nothing more disgusting to a girl than a pair of hairy balls.”
I met up with her not very far from my house. I was thinking that we would walk around for a bit and then maybe I would invite her back to watch a movie in my room and just let things run their course.
As soon as I saw her walking down the street, I started feeling strange. I felt like I needed to vomit and shit at the same time. I could hardly breathe. My heart was pounding in my chest. All the strength seemed to have been zapped out of my body.
She smiled and she came up and hugged me. I had her wonderful breasts pressed against my chest, but I was too distracted to appreciate it.
“How are you?” she said.
“Great,” I said. “I’m really great.”
“So what are we doing?”
“Let’s just walk a little.”
“Sure.”
I took the lead.
I had only taken a few steps when I felt it for the first time, that impulse to vomit. My throat contracted and my head jerked forward as I suppressed it.
“I want to show you something,” she said.
“Yeah?”
She took out her phone and she put it up against my face.
“What is that?”
“What do you mean? It’s a dog.”
“Oh, it’s a dog.”
“Isn’t he cute?”
I wiped the sweat off my eyelids. I tried to look more carefully at the picture. It was this small, fluffy white dog. It had a flip-flop in its mouth.
“Super cute.”
We had reached the water. We started walking across this low bridge. I stopped and leaned back against the railing. I could barely keep myself straight.
“You okay?” Zeinab asked.
“Oh yeah. I’m just a little tired, that’s all.”
“Do you need to sit down? You’re very pale.”
“Am I?”
I started leaning back even more. I got bent over backward over the railing and I saw the buildings on the other side of the bay upside down. I felt Zeinab grip my pants, but it was too late. I couldn’t take it any longer. I gave myself a last push with my feet and down I went.
At first, I felt relieved as I sank into the water, but then the sharp cold seeped through me and forced me to act. I turned my body and I began swimming. I swam as far as I could until I felt my hands touch something. That’s when I went back up, gasping for air.
I had made it pretty far. I had reached a cluster of reeds along the water’s edge. 20 meters back, I could see Zeinab standing on the bridge, looking down in the water where I had disappeared. I swam deeper in between the reeds.
I wasn’t sure exactly what I was expecting. I guess I thought Zeinab would look down at the place where I’d disappeared, wait a while, and then eventually go home. Instead, she started running around frantically. She drew the attention of some other people. Then there was a man who dove into the water looking for me, and a few minutes later, an ambulance appeared.
I was still in the reeds, unsure of what to do. I was thinking of swimming further on and then getting out somewhere where I wouldn’t be seen and then just walk home, but of course, by that point, I would assume that they would have already called my parents, telling them that I was dead, and I couldn’t have that happen.
I swam to a pier close by and I hauled myself up.
I started walking back towards the bridge. I was shaking from the cold. My clothes were drenched.
Zeinab was the first one to spot me. She let out a scream and she started sprinting towards me. It happened so fast, I had no time to foresee it–that kiss came at me in full speed.